Before Kids

This last week I have been cut off from the virtual world because my laptop crashed thanks to spyware! I was mortified because first the thing slowed down to a practical halt and then nothing wanted to work despite my best efforts. It was frustrating beyond belief because no matter how hard I tried and willed it to work, nothing was happening. Being female I imagined that this must be the closest thing to how a man feels who has erectile dysfunction! Something I know for a fact a previous neighbour did not suffer from…

I have not been pregnant for four years. Before my last pregnancy, I had not been pregnant for five years. So in crude calculation, my ‘Before Kids’ period (BK) was 10years ago…I can’t remember what my life was like BK. I have hardly any recollection of what I did, how much I partied and how late I slept. Okay, so I have occasional flash backs similar to those in a movie about a man with amnesia but other than that, sorry friend, no concrete facts.

The reason why I am telling you this, is that, although I can’t remember how I was BK, I do remember how my neighbours from five years ago were when they were BK. Since the ‘incident’ I am about to tell you about, I have not seen them and please remember I said ‘neighbours’ and not friends. I have no idea where they are now and what they are up to but if my memory is anything to go by, they are happy doing what they did before, provided they are still BK!

Hubby and I moved countries from South Africa to England (before settling the USA) and settled in this quaint village. Our new home was a cosy little semi, cottage style. It was a new build and clearly those who built it had no intention of living in any of the four units they had had constructed. If they wanted to live in the building, then maybe they would have realized that walls made of brick should at least be two bricks thick – double cavity. You could hear the older couple on the other side roll the toilet paper when visiting the bathroom! One brick thick walls might hold up the roof but they do not block sound…not at all.

We had been in the house for three weeks when the neighbours moved in. A young couple, engaged to be married and upstanding young citizens – law enforcement. They worked shifts and so would be at home at odd hours – sometimes in the morning, sometimes in the evening, just depending on their schedule. One evening Hubby and I were enjoying a quiet evening in front of the TV and our daughter (we had only one then) was sleeping in her room. The next thing I heard this grunting from somewhere. Hubby looked at me, I looked at hubby – slightly baffled. The grunting continued and we realized that this sound was indeed man made. The grunting was not alone, it was accompanied by the odd shriek which then burst into the throngs of the Hallelluja chorus. Now, the girl neighbour did not regularly attend church so the throngs that would make Handel proud were not of the religious nature. She and the grunting man were going at it like bunnies. I might just finish the descriptive by telling you that they were DEFINITELY BK because the vocals from next door happened more frequently than it would in a bad German X-rated movie!

My mother came to visit us and if any of you know my mother, you would be clear on the fact that she is one of the most puritanical people I know. No sex for recreation, it is for procreation only. I am convinced my mother thinks I only did the deed twice in my life – hence my two children. Well, when the grunting began and the chorus followed, my mother almost had a coronary. The only way I could get her not to go over and read them the riot act was to drop a polite note through the door.
Well I am not sure if they just stopped doing it or choir girl put a stick in her mouth, but although I saw them outside often, there were no sounds from next door. The grunt went silent, the cathedral was deserted and even the toilet roll was never heard of again!

~ by ski holidays on February 14, 2008.